Pacing

Watched you pace the empty floor;
Watched you pass through a mural of windows.
But then you stopped, settled down;
Were you typing, or playing the piano?

When will my eyes settle down?
When will my mind seem to finally slow down

What's on your mind, love
Whatchya thinkin' of
Why do you pace
Why's your heart racin'
What's on your mind, love
and what's your name
Why do you pace
And why's my heart racin'

I saw your light, but you were gone
Saw the faucet and a glass of water
You stepped out into the rain
Were you going for work or for pleasure?

When will my eyes settle down?
When will my mind seem to finally slow down

What's on your mind, love
Whatchya thinkin' of
Why do you pace
Why's your heart racin'
What's on your mind love
and what's your name
Why do you pace
And why's my heart racin'

Stranger, across the street
Wonder if we could ever meet
Stranger, there is peace
As our thoughts flow face to face

I was productive, maybe still am.
But I got into an argument.
It's sad.
And frustrating.
I don't wanna be the bigger person. kay?

a;sldihfg;z.xlnvalsehf;oush
Stupidity.

A miniscule issue

I'll have a milkshake, swirled
With life and love, hurled
All over the conversation
Ended up at the gas station
Blind myself in the red tail lights
The faster I drive, the farther the fights
Balancing a heart and a mind, it's tricky
Trying to deal with people, sticky
The way two people can fall for
Each other, and then somehow ignore
The pain, the anger of the other
The spirit, the love that now smothers
We're choking, we're struggling, gasping
The blanket turned pillow, and we're grasping
For each other, for some oxygen
The finish-him bell sounds, but then
We're holding tighter, running farther
Coexisting without growing stronger
And then it's all of a sudden,
For me, though not for you, and then
You're on the other side of the door
But, I'm inside sorting through the gore
Throw things around, like my heart
Turn around, grab my keys, try to start
Up the car, up my life, up my...
soul.

Disassociation

I was driving around looking for parking earlier. There were two cop cars at this one house I drove by. There was also this kid. He had some hair, and it was curly and big. This kid was being hand-cuffed against the cop car. His face was calm.

1+2+2=5. It is 1:22 as I write. That little equation is what always goes through my head when I check the time.

My fingers are almost numb. It is possibly in the 50's in my apartment. Hurrah for saving gas.

I broke my thumb nail because of the cold and because of my laptop. The real blame goes to my backpack for being difficult, though. It is a pretty bad break. And also it hurt.

I'm hungry. Very hungry. It's possible that I haven't had food in years. I am that hungry.

That is life past midnight.

Breakthrough

This is completely insane.
And I love it :)

As often happens when I'm forced to spend my evening alone, I began to feel sorry for myself. I watched a romantic comedy, with many pauses to do things like sing sad songs (recorded two, wrote one)... I sat on the couch and stared out the window, watching people walk by, wondering what they were thinking about. I found these four windows, directly across from me, right above the little Germanesque bookstore. And there was this person, all in black, pacing. It was mesmerizing. I wanted to know what was wrong, or what was going on in their head. I fell in love, said a prayer for them, and started singing. I learned how to spin without moving: stared at the fan and turned myself with one foot. Then I finished the movie... (My Best Friend's Wedding)

All that time, that feeling was just growing. Slowly, sneakily. After the movie, I walked around thinking about how restless my heart is, and wishing it could just shut up and be happy. Wishing that I would not miss being in love so much. Wishing that God's love would be enough for my romantic heart. Wishing that I would get up and get dressed for Him, not for some guy I may never meet. (That was not meant depressing, just honest)

The loneliness, the silence, the emptiness of this apartment. I checked facebook, to get it out of the way to do my schoolwork. Checked networked blogs because I had a new follower. And this is where it gets crazy.

I have 44 followers, and even though I doubt many read this religiously or comment or whatever. The point is that 44 people thought it important enough to accept another stupid facebook application just to follow me. I was looking through the faces, and that's when it just hit me. Out of nowhere, I realized I am not alone anymore. It dawned on me that people really care; that I am in the most beautiful community. I have people to go home to; I have friends on campus; I have an amazing church and community in it; I have amazing roomates. People care about me.

That may sound stupid or obvious. It's just never really hit me like that.

And the funny thing is... This is funny, because I was just telling Josh Newman how I never do this, and never could understand why people did this... I literally started crying out of happiness.

I cannot believe that.

This sensation of a layer being peeled off of my heart was so acute. This warmth built up in the center of me, and I knew some wall had just fallen. And then I just started crying...

I looked at my great grandpa's crucifix and thought of my story so far, my journey. All of a sudden, I could see Jesus' footsteps throughout it. I knew this warmth was coming from him. I knew that this feeling was realizing that He'd been holding my hand, leading me. And my palms are tingly. I know that this warmth is a fountain, of love, ready to overflow.

Two years ago I never could have pictured this place, this time. I cannot describe to you the loneliness, the depression that used to swamp my life, used to be my life. I don't think that my heart ever became accustomed to not living that lifestyle. Even though the loneliness went away, the depression died down, and joy rose up, my heart still was still refusing to be pierced through. It moved forward, it grew happy, but it kept that layer of protection, of sadness.

I can still feel the freshness of new skin. That layer has been shed, has dropped into a waste-bin. I cried while smiling, whispering "thank-you," feeling closer than I ever have to God, feeling the Holy Spirit and love inside me stronger than ever.

This is a lot more personal than anything I would ever post... But I really want to share. Because you mean a lot to me.

That's all then :)

Fluttery by, butterfly

Anagrams!

Amanda Evans is saved manana
Amanda Michele Evans is a maniac named Shelve
Amanda Michele Freaking Evans is a Macadamia Elf serving Hen Ken

Brilliant ^_^

You love me.

Let's be real

Before I forget!!!: God special man can't even imagine how good so restless

Okayy...

Sorry 'bout that. I was watching Sybil (1976) earlier, and this thought came to me. I really needed to write it down so I could remember it, but I didn't. It flew away too fast. I wanted to blog about it, though! God is good, and it just so happened that the second I opened this once blank document, the thought returned. It's funny, you know that song? "If you love someone, let them go," by the Dizmas?

"If you love someone let them go and if they come back to you their yours
If you love something set it free if it comes back to you it's yours"

This just hit me. My brain works really fast, and I have the worst short-term memory. I go crazy all of the time because I can't remember what I was thinking about 30 seconds before! But if a thought comes back to you, then maybe that thought was meant to be explored, yeah?

I really am sorry. After watching a movie about some form of insanity, it takes a while for my brain's clarity to return. I tend to adopt the crazies.

If this is all really jumbled, I apologize.

That was all just pre-course to the actual blog, which starts now:


Have you ever felt paralyzed? Like, you can't even do the things you love doing? (coincidentally, that's a symptom of depression and ADHD. Curse abnormal psych.)
(Also, note that I do NOT think I have depression. ADHD is another question, haha.)

This is my problem for a long time now! I just feel paralyzed towards my school work and writing in general.

It's bad.

I had to force myself to write this blog! Just so I can maybe get all of this stress out and return to homeostasis. I wonder if homeostate is a word. Blogger says no. Oh well.

The thing is, I think so intensely about writing that I'm terrified to do it. By the time I sit down to write, the task seems enormous. I like editing papers, though. I've been doing that a lot recently. But the writing is hard. Especially, if the topic is dull or overly-complicated.

I promise after this I will write all of my papers!

Hold me to, that, 'kay?

This is what I want to do.
(I thought of this yesterday.)

I want to write a blog, that is word for word how I think.

The raw, unedited Amanda
(Run, while you still can)

That is absolutely terrifying, right?

We'll see how it goes.

I have to keep all of these spaces between the sentences, because the thoughts feel separate and disconnected. If they go together, they'll be together.

So... I want to tell you about all of my annoying quirks. I've never listed them before; should be interesting. I don't think a semicolon belonged there. I've never understood semicolons.

1. During almost any and every movie, I have to exit at some point to pee. The plot moves too quickly and makes me extremely tense.
2. A lot of times I "forget to listen." I will say that to you at least once. It is what it is, I forget to listen. (Circles 'round to the ADHD question.)
3. ^^^Because of this, don't be surprised if I have to ask you the same question multiple times. Again. It is what it is.
4. Three is my favorite number. I like everything to be divisible by three. This four was originally a three; and when I changed it, I felt bothered. (Is that semicolon right?)
5. I have no idea how to dress myself. I always looks different, and no one can define my "style."
6. SOMETIMES, I talk a lot. Sometimes, I don't talk at all.
7. I spend a lot of time in my head, and think speedily. Sometimes, the things I say might not make sense. It can take a minute for me to realize that you were not there for half of the conversation. (That sounds like schizophrenia. Abnormal psych has made me the worst hypochondriac ever.)
8. My laugh is completely annoying
9. I move around a lot, because my muscles are antsy.
10. If I am trying to tell you a story, you may have to remind me several times what I'm talking about. Again, my mouth can't move as fast as my mind.
11. I really like hugs and holding hands! But I'm very careful not to pop your personal bubble.
12. Lastly, (because 12 is divisible by three, and four which can also be a good number), I am the hardest person to get in contact with. I always forget to text back, and I strongly dislike (not hate) talking on the phone. Ambiguous voices.

So that's what I can presently remember!

I'm done now. I just needed to get out all the mental words, so I can write the good words. Think 8 or so papers. It's wonderful.

Oh, I'll cover that thought at the beginning in a later blog. This one is already tedious and boring. I just needed to write the thought down, so that I can remember it.

I know this is unedited and sounds crazy, but it was relieving to write.
I'm being selfish and writing for me. But blogs are so narcissistic anyway.
*Zips lips*

So. I am sitting here, pantsless and a little frustrated.
I can't seem to remember where I put my PJ pants :( (Which they are fantastic, btw. Warm, fuzzy, with reindeers)



I'm really trying to only blog once a day! But, then I get these ideas, and I want to say something. It ends badly, with me feverishly typing at the computer.



Somethingstore.com ... Use with caution.
You basically send in ten dollars, and then send you something... crazy stuff.
But, DUDE. I feel like I won the lottery. They sent me a $60 scarf.
What up.

Hey, wow, my head is hitting that point of sleep. Remember, like I said in the last blog? Me and that narcolepsy thing?
That was so cool. I was sitting here thinking about how I feel like it's going to be another insomnia night... How I'll wake up tired, but unable to sleep. and then BOOM. Sleep. sleep... Soo.

This was awfully short. And possibly pointless...

But there's just not much more awakeness in me!

Jesus is beautiful.

I'm really fascinated by the Holy Spirit right now

I just have this ethereal, breath-taking image of It in my head.

I like thinking about that ^_^

When I was a little child, I was bothered by wondering what God did all those years before creating the world. Can you even imagine the boredom? Me neither.

Eventually, I solved the problem. I created this image of God sitting there, pen in hand, writing out every minute detail of life in a ginormous volume. Then, I would picture finding a chapter with my name. Isn't that intense? To have a WHOLE chapter?

Love it.

Anyway,
I want it to be Christmas, so I can run into the sea



Goodnight lovebirds!

Tingly sensation

There's a field of butterflies in my heart. That is how I describe my insomnia. Normally, at typically midnight thirty (or way earlier, or at random points in the day), this thing happens where I can literally feel a switch in my brain flip off. And I fall asleep. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, where I'm at, who I'm with... I fall asleep. It's happened in the middle of horrible arguments, when texting people, while driving, etc, etc. I just shut off. I have zero control over it and it's extremely aggravating. But sometimes, (for reasons unbeknownst to me) it does not work that way. Instead, my daytime feeling lasts until very late. I lay down, I close my eyes, I try to relax... And that's when it's completely clear to me what it is to be awake. The feeling of awakeness is painfully acute. Oh, I want to go to bed, I need to go to bed, I have to wake up in five hours, blah, blah, blah. Doesn't matter. My fingers are jittery, my foot starts tapping against the blankets, my eyes flit backwards and forwards, rolling at my attempt at sleeping. I feel all tingly everywhere.... Like my body is just itching for me to take on the world, to conquer! Sleep? What is sleep? I don't need that! Tonight, my palms were tingly and wanting to rest against this laptop. My fingers tensed, ready to type at a silly pace of 111 wpm. Thoughts, flowing, out of nowhere, words bottling up at the tips of my fingers. So, I am not going to suck them back up, instead I will release them! But really, all I wanted to say is that feeling awake is having your heart transformed into a field of butterflies. I can just feel these little flutters in my heart, reminding me that there is love, and beauty, and joy, and creativity. The key is to talk to these butterflies, and even more, to release them!

I feel compelled to write...

I'm listening to Owl City. Adam Young makes me want to write and write...
His music makes my heart want to sing along
(Which, coincidentally, a doctor has told me my heart is known to hum.. It's getting there)

Ever feel like an anomaly?
I do, a lot.
I feel like I'm just very strange and out of place
Or like I was meant to be the wind, and not a human being
Or maybe a bird
But, then I have thoughts, and remember why I'm human.
Which is cool, although I would like to fly

Doctors are very obscure about me
Apparently I don't do a lot of things right?
Like blinking,
I don't close my eyes all the way apparently
I CAN, I just don't
Which makes sense, I hate missing out on things

And then breathing
My heart rate is "abnormal" (?)
Because I don't breathe right
How I fix this is a mystery
I don't recall learning how to breathe...?
(or blink for that matter)

So.
Don't know if that makes me a medical anomaly
But it is definitely strange

Does anyone else use parentheses rather frequently?
Whenever I have an afterthought, I feel like it needs parentheses
Because that way it reads like I'm thinking

I'm just thinking

I like to watch people's faces when I walk
It's funny to think that there's a whole universe in that face

And bookstores?
Don't you love bookstores?
But not new ones. That's kind of pointless (in some ways)
But the old ones.. Where you can only find one of each book
Each book is its own distinguished person, with its own distinct smell
It's so comforting... Like being in an old person's home
It feels safe

Actually, there's this bookstore across the street from me. It's tiny, and could be lost, but I found it
Every time I'm in there, I feel like Sebastian in the NeverEnding Story. Hiding, because no one would come into an old bookstore.

I found Keats, Milton, and the brothers Grimm last time I visited
We are all going to have coffee sometime

Well, I'm done thinking, ready for sleeping

Ciao !

The Outline

It's clear that the things
We have thunk in our heads
Are a lot worse than
The words that we've said

I'm trying to read the pavement:
Decipher the messy splatter
Where your head met the ground.
The truth is what you meant:
Not the clunking clatter
Of your lip's coded sound.

Though there was caution tape
We were reckless
It was a closed case
But we were curious

This never should have been a scene
Tried going but the light's not green
They took chalk and drew the outline
Can't press charges, we're out of time

~~~~~~~~~~~
Not my best work, but I'll figure it out. I need Matt. He always figures out the reality of the melodies. (It's a song. Yes)

Dust Speck

Once, there was a dust speck. And he floated and bumped along, happy, innocent. He flew over the people, the world, and saw everything with a smile and the knowledge of being loved and being special. Until one morning, being alone, he had a self-reflective thought. And it dawned on him that he might actually be extremely annoying and weird. This tiny thought dragged the dust speck down, down, until he landed behind a fridge. The dust speck is still there today, with all of the other philosophical dust specks.

Stop.

You're growing like a tree, stop.

Life is speeding by me, stop.

I'm thinking I'm right here

But I'm really then or there, stop.

Tick-tock...

I wish I could slow down time, stop.

Desperately searching the next rhyme, stop.

The seasons are flying by

Quickly, without reason or why, stop.

Tick-tock...

Waking up and I'm ancient, stop.

Feeling this new old man scent, stop.

Woken up by my own snoring

Realizing the clock was never boring, stop.

Tick-tock...

Bent over, like a withered, old tree-man

Eternal, soft, frozen breath, stills my pen.

Stop.

Jesus

Really feeling the aftermath
of what it is to be objectified
Seeking out my definition
in the shallow of someone's lies

Various faces, to obsess, to undress
me with your eyes, while your mind is a mess
and I thinking innocence, and I acting senseless
This lesson is the hardest-to understand meaninglessness
(Which words only become in your mouth)

Looking back and searching past
Shifting through shit, while truth fades fast
One solitary name, ringing, piercing, lasts
In my mind, racing fast

Jesus, Jesus, more than a name
Jesus, Jesus, giving you my pain
Collapsing, crumbling at your throne
Nothing left of me, no skin, no bone
Replacing, redefining, me with You
New eyes, your eyes, to see me through
Jesus, Jesus, take me higher
Jesus, Jesus, my only desire

Noise

What is that constancy
and what is silence?
What is the foreground,
but where is the background?
What makes that flurry
and who makes the buzzing?
What is it to be suspended in the ignorance of a creature?
To hear (do they hear?)
but never to comprehend?
and what is color?
What if it had sound?
Would I be a green or an orange?
or something entirely unique...
Why do we wonder?
Who does the moon greet when he rises early?
(I want it to be me)
Why do we wish?
and is there ever complete silence?

Dear God,

*A couple of people wanted me to post this a long while ago, but I didn't.. Now I am!)

Such purity, such beauty, such love
Self-sacrifice inside a moment
Care for the one that needs be caring

A history
A pocket-sized novel
Whose back is tested by morphine
Pictures
Free-floating on a wall, in a phone
Looking into the eyes of past captured
A treasure box
Tiny keys, minute clues
That open and re-open a tired mind
An extra layer
Scaly, tough, trapping
A heart that only wants to connect
A long wait
For God's blade to puncture
The terminal to get back to feeling
A breaking
A desire to heal, to make happy
The reality of a long-coming separation
A one-way street
Inability to return
Looking back and tasting salt
A fork
The road with love
And the one of freedom
The hatred
A heart that twisted
A heart tied off from the brain
The bookmark
To pause or to close
Or to look for a new book
A new world
Thrown amidst the unexpierienced
Lost
The cry
Trust, love, pray
Begging for direction
Please help,
In Jesus' name
Amen

Soul Gift

Before my soul filled this body, it was simply a thought in God's mind. My soul was a thought before the beginning of time. As history was written, my soul became an idea. Then, some spring day, I was conceived. God reached in his head and pulled out the idea that is my soul. He gifted it to embryonic me, and I became a person. And after life, God takes my soul back. But instead of living in his head, I get to live in his home... heaven.

Insert Interesting Title

Welllll. Honest to God, my days without you are completely boring. Wednesday I woke up and went to work, then worked out, then back to work. Sooo. Wednesday was extremely uninteresting *except for the 15 $ giftcard to starbucks my manager gave me :D*

Todayyy, I went straight to school after waking up. Picked up a bunch of books from the library and ...bum bum bumm
TALKED TO YOU ON THE PHONE!!! yes it's true. It is surprisingly antagonizing to not be able to just call you whenever. I don't know how many times I've picked up my cell and been like "wait..."
Anyway. After that I experienced the most painful eyebrow wax of my life. The brows LOOK better then they ever have...Minus the red marks. Yeah. Pain. Pain. Pain. I have neosporin on my eyelids. Basically. Hate that woman. Never goin back.
Watched Yes Man with Dan, Dom, Matt, Mikey, Yott, and Kristen, which was fun. After they all left the Trippin Redheaded Trio watched blindness. It was an extremely intense movie, in which they never really gave you the answer. Which was aggravating. So the end to my two days :D lol

I realize these are extremely boring I'm just honestly trying to keep mom and dad in the loop of my life

I love you guys!

Peace
amanda

Nucleated

Well. I honestly don't have much interesting things to say!!! Yesterday, I woke up and studied for Bio lab, and then went and took the test. It was okay. But after that I dissected a sheep's eyeball! It smelled bad, BUUT it was like jello! the vitreous humor was literally like jello and the little lens was connected to it. sweet stuff.

Can't remember what I did after that... but Amanda Pierce overdosed. So that was nice and dramatic. I stopped by the hospital to comfort Kiley while she was waiting.

Doug was over so we all ended up just hanging out watching him play Fallout. We watched house which was pretty fantastic! I fell asleep on the couch..woke up about 2 and started talking to mikey in my sleep about some girl being too loud..then I realized I was talking in my sleep and apologized and went to bed. weird lol.

Annnyyywayyyy. Slept in today and then rushed off to school. Class was pretty nonchalant so I don't know what to say really... Buut afterwards Dan came over and we all watched the Covenant. Which was really crappy although Mike George said it would be good... lol. It sucked. big time. and we had pizza which did not suck! Then Dan left (after I had a pms outburst) and now Mikey and I are watching American idol. Adam is fantastic as always!!! he's gonna win just fyi

Sooo that's really my boring life right now lol. Nucleated is the word I created yesterday btw. It's when a person is exposed to nuclear radiation.

anyways. miss you guys :(
Love you!
amanda

When your skin matches your hair and....

you're a redhead-you have a problem. My problem, currently. My back is a wee bit red. I'm not lovin' it. *cue mcdonalds themesong*

So. Thus begins the Ten Days of Blogging. Yes, for the next ten days I am going to be blogging to my parents who have deserted me and Cincinnati for Italy. Can you blame them though? I mean.. Italy.
So, here goes. Starting with the ride to church from the airport: I sped home as best I could but traffic did not allow sometimes. So we got there about 20 minutes late. But it was a good talk (you guys should check it out. Then we went by Krogers to pick up some sandwich meat and cheese. We thought about taking our picnic to Kheener park but... it's one of the first nice Sundays of the year. The loudness and packedness of Kheener helped us settle on the backyard. We made three sandwiches and cut them into triangles :) Ron was gardening so that was fun to watch.
After we ate and just kinda sat there for a while I asked Dan, "So, do you want to read LOTR, go play tennis, or wade in the creek?" And he said tennis. So I actually attempted to play tennis. And it was very hot. And I wasn't HORRIBLE, but hey. It was fun. After that I found out that Dan had never waded before (What kind of childhood is that?). He was scared at first and complained a LOT...haha. But I forced him into it and made him pick up some squishy seaweed things which he found digusting but fun. Then we squelched our feet in the mud (is there a lovelier nastier feeling?). Again he was a baby about it at first..but then loved it. We rinsed our feet off and were walking out when to my horror I saw a LEECH. on my foot. in between my toes. Normally I would have thought it was some kind of tiny black worm. Unfortunately though, I learned in biology last week that leeches can be as tiny as a couple centimeters. This one was about 2 millimeters thick and 2 centimeters long. CREEEPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. You know me. I was disturbed. But it rinsed off (thank you Jesus). Thus ended the creek adventure.

We went back upstairs and it was getting late (He had to be home by 9:30), so Dan ran off to get garlic bread and ice cream. I cleaned up because...yeah I was a hot mess. Now it was kinda freaky because I was starting to realize what it meant that you guys were both gone for 10 days. And for whatever reason that put me in a cleaning frenzy. I had Dan take out the trash. I was organizing. It was strange. I may go to the ER later to make sure I'm okay... But anyway lol. When he got back, we made a playlist together of some romantic songs (Okay mostly I made it but hey he did help with his knowledge of hardcore music...??? okay maybe not but he did have a couple good inputs :)). I got the water boiling and preheated the oven while we were playlisting. Then we cooked! He stirred the noodles (which he apparently does not know how to do?? lol) and put the bread in the oven (his forte). Oh and he was my garlic crusher. Wow, that sounds strange... but okay. I think I put too much seasoning in the sauce, but it was still good, so thanks mom :)
I laid my comforter out on the side of the roof facing Ron and put our playlist on. I put some candles out too but they wouldn't light because of the wind...so they just sat there until it calmed down an hour later. We ate spaghetti out of the green mixing bowl (haha, well I couldn't risk the glass Italian chef bowl on a roof) and stuffed ourselves. We watched night fall as we played the question game. Then we prayed and cleaned it all up.

He had seven more minutes so I sat on his lap in that reddish armchair and buried my face in his neck, and oh geez. He asked me what I was thinking about and I said "honestly? I miss my parents." and started crying. There it is okay? Confession of the week lol.

So that was yesterday the big anniversary :)

But anyway, today's post will probably be boring (I mean the one on today that I post later tonight), because all I'll be doing is examing and biologying. woohoo.

Miss you guys already
Have superfun and stick your hand into the Mouth of Truth for me!!!
(then quote Audrey and Peck)
I love you!
peace,
amanda

Tuning in by tuning out

Stop. Turn around. Run up the stairs.
Search. Find I-Pod. Run down the stairs.
and step outside...

To give life a soundtrack is art
slip on my headphones: peace.
search, select, synchronize step
Tuned out from the chaos, or-
tune into the alternate world..
my step becomes a metronome
everyone else's: percussion
arms swishing, guitar srum
their voices have meshed with the bass
and the wind is singing, i kiss the lipless
so i smile..
the day becomes new slang

Holes

There used to be a heart there
Used to feel a beat, a throbbing
but that spot has become nowhere
the heart become nothing

I keep blinking, but you aren't here
i feel like i'm dreaming
I open my eyes, but you don't appear
but i really feel like i'm dreaming...

reality won't really sink in right now
i keep pleading with God to let me believe
it seems we've reached the end somehow
but i still just can't believe...

why does there always have to be a goodbye?
for once i thought i might see a forever...
everything loves to fall apart on me
even this rhyme.

i keep reaching inside to feel something
and cry when i feel the emptiness
there's a hole there
there used to be a heart...

poetryaholic

i know, i know.
it's only been, what, 2 hours since my very first blog post? (or around there i am terrible at tracking time)
and already i've given up on capitalization. it's a waste really. the period is where the sentence definition is really at, guys!<--- oh and that little excited character.

anyway. here i am stuck inside with 8 inches of glorious snow outside my window! my roof has transformed into a sparkling white sea. and life is reflected in the glassy trees :)

on days like this i tend to either write or read. so i went back on some of my older stuff from last year. and figured, hey! i like blogging. so i'm gonna share some stuff! let people see the side that isn't so apparent all the time.

okay, this one kind of fits in with today as it is extremely cloudy. but i love the clouds!

disciple of the clouds

take me with you!
fingerpainted clouds as you softly run away.
take me with you, to see the world!
from above, how peaceful we all must look...
from up above, where the voices become a dulled song.
you have time to dream
as you float across the sky
and you nourish when you cry.
it's the most lovely and healing pain
when you decide to rain...
take me with you!
teach me to bless others with my sorrow!
teach me to be at peace!
teach me to fly, to see, to sing...
take me with you!
i will be the disciple of the clouds
i will see the world and see
that there is still good, amidst the clouds
from up above, i will learn
take me with you! take me with you...


and then there's this one, which has to do more with the rain

who am i?

raindrops and coffee beans;
amandy or the converse queen?
let's stand on the roof in the rain;
grab your hand and scream the trees.
pictures of my knife, memoirs of the pain;
burnt to ashes with love and hot tears.
my shattered heart forms in the pool below.
ashes to ashes, i sing aloud
life as the water droplets forming a cloud.
running, gasping, slamming doors...
you're too weak to open them.
but then you've probably already forgotten.
sobbing prayers into the arms of some angel...
to be noticed, to be loved..
i finally am chosen


ahh, and this is one of my odd attempts at homage to emily dickinson. but it relates because of the fire mention, and how many of you have fires going today, hmm?

incompatibility
(throwing the scabs back at you)

You're about as real as origami-
and just as flameable too
String you up like a paper crane-
Blow you out-make a wish-
The seance is just beginning-
But I'm leaving-for living laughter

Chalk can't write on-paper-
and pencils break on pavement
You couldn't change me-
and I just broke on-you-

You're about as real as a fountain drink-
and just as nasty too
Fill you up in my water bottle-
Crinkled up-thrown away-
The stream has starte dflowing-
But I'm leaving-for purified water

HI-C doesn't mix with-coke-
and coke shouldn't be diet
You didn't match with-me-
and I stayed cute, but rotted inside

You're faker than a DVD fire-
and just as cold too
Flip you up on the TV screen-
Stare, I'm bored-Stare, I'm lonely-
The picture falme is cracklin-
Wonder-what in the hell I'm doing

The writer didn't like his script
The script confused the-director-
You never really liked me
and I never, never got-you.



okay this next one doesn't TOTALLY relate, but it's another emily dickinson fan so...(it's actually also a lullaby although i haven't finished the melody)

Color Between the Dashes

Rainbow in the shadow-
oh-
why do you hide-so
Far away-
When you could easily brighten-
Up my day-hey-
Rainbow in the shadow
There's no time for-shallow
thinkin' today
We all have a need for honest feelin's-
So base this moment-on feelin'-wonderful
Rainbow in the shadow-
Reflecting through the window-
Oh-
My thoughts reflect-back-
Across the pages-of balloons-
And voyages-discovery.
Rainbow in the shadow-
I want to go-dance and move on-
But I want you to come along-
And, oh-
Color me the truest-way
Wash away the blacks-grays-white
Rainbow in the shadow
Oh-
Help these colors flow-together
I'll-remember-your lines of paint
and re-construct a life-for us-both
Step out of the shadow-
The rain has fallen-the sun is callin'


aha! I was desperately looking through my writing box for this next one...it distinctly has to do with snow! i wrote it last year when all was melting away, and i drove out to the vineyard just to have a moment with God in the parking lot..this was the obscure little result :p


I wish I could fly and
be liberated dfrom the ground, so quickly
that I'll fall amongst the clouds.
My red flames will be doused in eternal blue.
The surviving piles of snow might really
be clouds that floated down from heaven.
There's an earth-bound cloud nearby
Maybe it helped some angel down to comfort
me.
Where is God but all around?
The wind on my cheeks is his
comforting breath.
a train yells reminding me of other homes...
The sky reflects my thoughts
as it is somehow a quilt of my life.
Stretching out like I dumped all my memories onto a dance floor.
I think I might be reliving some
forgotten day...
It's hard to remember the antithesis
of life now and life then.
I'm seventeen...not ten?
It just goes to show how God
stays the same through it all
Real as today, as he was every yesterday.
the world and i can change, but He's
always the same
From Adam and Eve to me.
Amanda the child..Amanda the broken...Amanda the healed...
Amanda the chosen.


and here's something for today (I'm writing this now, so who nows how it will turn out?)

my ice cream is melting,
but the snow outside still glistens with
secret glee.
what do you know, little snowflake?
how can one little sculputure of perfection
fall from the sky and become something as vast
and brilliant as the ocean
they sparkle with a similar mischief,
a similar knowledge
secrets buried, to melt away
the snow melts, the clouds carry it away
and back into the ocean
where the melted flakes mesh with the water
they share secrets over tea and krill
and then back again to rain or snow...
sometimes they even talk about me, and you
i've met some decent snowflakes before
they kiss my cheek and dance in my hair
we talk; they tell me the news of the world
and then they melt away
to journey somewhere else
but we had a moment, white on red
and i learnt to be mischievous as them
and keep their little secrets
so when you see my smile
as i walk through a blizzard;
ask:
what do you know, little snowflake?
they are but dying to love you



and that's all for me, loves


for now. ;)

ciao bella

Surrender

I've done it. I've given into this blogging obsession that abounds around here.

This is so strange! I've gone back about three years to the xangaing years... ahh. Those were the days. Well. In a way. I suppose every farewell to the past is a good thing. Even if we have to wave goodbye to the good as well as the bad...

Anywho. I suppose that I should explain my name here. Well, actually three names. We'll start with super trooper. Wait, I lied. I want to start with Loony Daray. Translated loosely (from me piecing together some very weak Latin), it says Dark Insanity. This all goes back to my old friend Jessica (online friend). She was obsessed with pirates (as was everyone on our little forum), and she gave everyone pirate names! Mine was Aimie Swindler the Loon-Loony on deck. After that Loony became my gamer name/online name. para exemple, when I play Zelda I am always Loony instead of Link. Then I got bored of that and lengthened it. SO...yeah!

BTW, it's going to be very hard for me to continue typing properly and what not. All the years of AIM language have really inhibited my typing talent.

Anyway, the url for my site is DreamingOfFire. This goes way back to when I created my first website on xanga. Ever since then, every url has been the same. Xanga, myspace, photobucket, etc. (except I did have a second xanga dedicated solely to my writing that had a different unmentionable name). I'm not really sure what the story behind it is, except that I'm something of a pyromaniac.

Now back to the blog name! Super Trooper. Years and years ago, when I was Superchick's first number one fan (still am, loves), this was my favorite song. When the album first came out and I somehow got a hold of it, I fell in love with this song. (track 4 I think?). I would listen to it in my room and dance around and jump. The love has never died between us. My license plate has a plaque (soon to be put on) that says Super trooper 4 Jesus :D

anyway. the name explaining is done. that's all you guys get! I hope the parentheses weren't too annoying. I never realized how heavily I rely on them, but it is pretty ridiculous!

Sooo....
I guess that's all for me. I'll try not to post toooo much but I am one heck of a frequent blogger.

oh I do gotta should out a holla to God for all this snow and ice! it's absoluely beautiful on the one hand, and saved me from a calculus exam on the other!

alright
lots of love and hugs to everyone because my heart is bursting from this dive back into the blogging world! makes me love you all tons :D (Weird how i say "you all" even though i don't have any readers yet... oh well)
loony out!