Let's be real

Before I forget!!!: God special man can't even imagine how good so restless

Okayy...

Sorry 'bout that. I was watching Sybil (1976) earlier, and this thought came to me. I really needed to write it down so I could remember it, but I didn't. It flew away too fast. I wanted to blog about it, though! God is good, and it just so happened that the second I opened this once blank document, the thought returned. It's funny, you know that song? "If you love someone, let them go," by the Dizmas?

"If you love someone let them go and if they come back to you their yours
If you love something set it free if it comes back to you it's yours"

This just hit me. My brain works really fast, and I have the worst short-term memory. I go crazy all of the time because I can't remember what I was thinking about 30 seconds before! But if a thought comes back to you, then maybe that thought was meant to be explored, yeah?

I really am sorry. After watching a movie about some form of insanity, it takes a while for my brain's clarity to return. I tend to adopt the crazies.

If this is all really jumbled, I apologize.

That was all just pre-course to the actual blog, which starts now:


Have you ever felt paralyzed? Like, you can't even do the things you love doing? (coincidentally, that's a symptom of depression and ADHD. Curse abnormal psych.)
(Also, note that I do NOT think I have depression. ADHD is another question, haha.)

This is my problem for a long time now! I just feel paralyzed towards my school work and writing in general.

It's bad.

I had to force myself to write this blog! Just so I can maybe get all of this stress out and return to homeostasis. I wonder if homeostate is a word. Blogger says no. Oh well.

The thing is, I think so intensely about writing that I'm terrified to do it. By the time I sit down to write, the task seems enormous. I like editing papers, though. I've been doing that a lot recently. But the writing is hard. Especially, if the topic is dull or overly-complicated.

I promise after this I will write all of my papers!

Hold me to, that, 'kay?

This is what I want to do.
(I thought of this yesterday.)

I want to write a blog, that is word for word how I think.

The raw, unedited Amanda
(Run, while you still can)

That is absolutely terrifying, right?

We'll see how it goes.

I have to keep all of these spaces between the sentences, because the thoughts feel separate and disconnected. If they go together, they'll be together.

So... I want to tell you about all of my annoying quirks. I've never listed them before; should be interesting. I don't think a semicolon belonged there. I've never understood semicolons.

1. During almost any and every movie, I have to exit at some point to pee. The plot moves too quickly and makes me extremely tense.
2. A lot of times I "forget to listen." I will say that to you at least once. It is what it is, I forget to listen. (Circles 'round to the ADHD question.)
3. ^^^Because of this, don't be surprised if I have to ask you the same question multiple times. Again. It is what it is.
4. Three is my favorite number. I like everything to be divisible by three. This four was originally a three; and when I changed it, I felt bothered. (Is that semicolon right?)
5. I have no idea how to dress myself. I always looks different, and no one can define my "style."
6. SOMETIMES, I talk a lot. Sometimes, I don't talk at all.
7. I spend a lot of time in my head, and think speedily. Sometimes, the things I say might not make sense. It can take a minute for me to realize that you were not there for half of the conversation. (That sounds like schizophrenia. Abnormal psych has made me the worst hypochondriac ever.)
8. My laugh is completely annoying
9. I move around a lot, because my muscles are antsy.
10. If I am trying to tell you a story, you may have to remind me several times what I'm talking about. Again, my mouth can't move as fast as my mind.
11. I really like hugs and holding hands! But I'm very careful not to pop your personal bubble.
12. Lastly, (because 12 is divisible by three, and four which can also be a good number), I am the hardest person to get in contact with. I always forget to text back, and I strongly dislike (not hate) talking on the phone. Ambiguous voices.

So that's what I can presently remember!

I'm done now. I just needed to get out all the mental words, so I can write the good words. Think 8 or so papers. It's wonderful.

Oh, I'll cover that thought at the beginning in a later blog. This one is already tedious and boring. I just needed to write the thought down, so that I can remember it.

I know this is unedited and sounds crazy, but it was relieving to write.
I'm being selfish and writing for me. But blogs are so narcissistic anyway.
*Zips lips*

So. I am sitting here, pantsless and a little frustrated.
I can't seem to remember where I put my PJ pants :( (Which they are fantastic, btw. Warm, fuzzy, with reindeers)



I'm really trying to only blog once a day! But, then I get these ideas, and I want to say something. It ends badly, with me feverishly typing at the computer.



Somethingstore.com ... Use with caution.
You basically send in ten dollars, and then send you something... crazy stuff.
But, DUDE. I feel like I won the lottery. They sent me a $60 scarf.
What up.

Hey, wow, my head is hitting that point of sleep. Remember, like I said in the last blog? Me and that narcolepsy thing?
That was so cool. I was sitting here thinking about how I feel like it's going to be another insomnia night... How I'll wake up tired, but unable to sleep. and then BOOM. Sleep. sleep... Soo.

This was awfully short. And possibly pointless...

But there's just not much more awakeness in me!

Jesus is beautiful.

I'm really fascinated by the Holy Spirit right now

I just have this ethereal, breath-taking image of It in my head.

I like thinking about that ^_^

When I was a little child, I was bothered by wondering what God did all those years before creating the world. Can you even imagine the boredom? Me neither.

Eventually, I solved the problem. I created this image of God sitting there, pen in hand, writing out every minute detail of life in a ginormous volume. Then, I would picture finding a chapter with my name. Isn't that intense? To have a WHOLE chapter?

Love it.

Anyway,
I want it to be Christmas, so I can run into the sea



Goodnight lovebirds!

Tingly sensation

There's a field of butterflies in my heart. That is how I describe my insomnia. Normally, at typically midnight thirty (or way earlier, or at random points in the day), this thing happens where I can literally feel a switch in my brain flip off. And I fall asleep. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, where I'm at, who I'm with... I fall asleep. It's happened in the middle of horrible arguments, when texting people, while driving, etc, etc. I just shut off. I have zero control over it and it's extremely aggravating. But sometimes, (for reasons unbeknownst to me) it does not work that way. Instead, my daytime feeling lasts until very late. I lay down, I close my eyes, I try to relax... And that's when it's completely clear to me what it is to be awake. The feeling of awakeness is painfully acute. Oh, I want to go to bed, I need to go to bed, I have to wake up in five hours, blah, blah, blah. Doesn't matter. My fingers are jittery, my foot starts tapping against the blankets, my eyes flit backwards and forwards, rolling at my attempt at sleeping. I feel all tingly everywhere.... Like my body is just itching for me to take on the world, to conquer! Sleep? What is sleep? I don't need that! Tonight, my palms were tingly and wanting to rest against this laptop. My fingers tensed, ready to type at a silly pace of 111 wpm. Thoughts, flowing, out of nowhere, words bottling up at the tips of my fingers. So, I am not going to suck them back up, instead I will release them! But really, all I wanted to say is that feeling awake is having your heart transformed into a field of butterflies. I can just feel these little flutters in my heart, reminding me that there is love, and beauty, and joy, and creativity. The key is to talk to these butterflies, and even more, to release them!

I feel compelled to write...

I'm listening to Owl City. Adam Young makes me want to write and write...
His music makes my heart want to sing along
(Which, coincidentally, a doctor has told me my heart is known to hum.. It's getting there)

Ever feel like an anomaly?
I do, a lot.
I feel like I'm just very strange and out of place
Or like I was meant to be the wind, and not a human being
Or maybe a bird
But, then I have thoughts, and remember why I'm human.
Which is cool, although I would like to fly

Doctors are very obscure about me
Apparently I don't do a lot of things right?
Like blinking,
I don't close my eyes all the way apparently
I CAN, I just don't
Which makes sense, I hate missing out on things

And then breathing
My heart rate is "abnormal" (?)
Because I don't breathe right
How I fix this is a mystery
I don't recall learning how to breathe...?
(or blink for that matter)

So.
Don't know if that makes me a medical anomaly
But it is definitely strange

Does anyone else use parentheses rather frequently?
Whenever I have an afterthought, I feel like it needs parentheses
Because that way it reads like I'm thinking

I'm just thinking

I like to watch people's faces when I walk
It's funny to think that there's a whole universe in that face

And bookstores?
Don't you love bookstores?
But not new ones. That's kind of pointless (in some ways)
But the old ones.. Where you can only find one of each book
Each book is its own distinguished person, with its own distinct smell
It's so comforting... Like being in an old person's home
It feels safe

Actually, there's this bookstore across the street from me. It's tiny, and could be lost, but I found it
Every time I'm in there, I feel like Sebastian in the NeverEnding Story. Hiding, because no one would come into an old bookstore.

I found Keats, Milton, and the brothers Grimm last time I visited
We are all going to have coffee sometime

Well, I'm done thinking, ready for sleeping

Ciao !

The Outline

It's clear that the things
We have thunk in our heads
Are a lot worse than
The words that we've said

I'm trying to read the pavement:
Decipher the messy splatter
Where your head met the ground.
The truth is what you meant:
Not the clunking clatter
Of your lip's coded sound.

Though there was caution tape
We were reckless
It was a closed case
But we were curious

This never should have been a scene
Tried going but the light's not green
They took chalk and drew the outline
Can't press charges, we're out of time

~~~~~~~~~~~
Not my best work, but I'll figure it out. I need Matt. He always figures out the reality of the melodies. (It's a song. Yes)

Dust Speck

Once, there was a dust speck. And he floated and bumped along, happy, innocent. He flew over the people, the world, and saw everything with a smile and the knowledge of being loved and being special. Until one morning, being alone, he had a self-reflective thought. And it dawned on him that he might actually be extremely annoying and weird. This tiny thought dragged the dust speck down, down, until he landed behind a fridge. The dust speck is still there today, with all of the other philosophical dust specks.

Stop.

You're growing like a tree, stop.

Life is speeding by me, stop.

I'm thinking I'm right here

But I'm really then or there, stop.

Tick-tock...

I wish I could slow down time, stop.

Desperately searching the next rhyme, stop.

The seasons are flying by

Quickly, without reason or why, stop.

Tick-tock...

Waking up and I'm ancient, stop.

Feeling this new old man scent, stop.

Woken up by my own snoring

Realizing the clock was never boring, stop.

Tick-tock...

Bent over, like a withered, old tree-man

Eternal, soft, frozen breath, stills my pen.

Stop.

Jesus

Really feeling the aftermath
of what it is to be objectified
Seeking out my definition
in the shallow of someone's lies

Various faces, to obsess, to undress
me with your eyes, while your mind is a mess
and I thinking innocence, and I acting senseless
This lesson is the hardest-to understand meaninglessness
(Which words only become in your mouth)

Looking back and searching past
Shifting through shit, while truth fades fast
One solitary name, ringing, piercing, lasts
In my mind, racing fast

Jesus, Jesus, more than a name
Jesus, Jesus, giving you my pain
Collapsing, crumbling at your throne
Nothing left of me, no skin, no bone
Replacing, redefining, me with You
New eyes, your eyes, to see me through
Jesus, Jesus, take me higher
Jesus, Jesus, my only desire