Pacing

Watched you pace the empty floor;
Watched you pass through a mural of windows.
But then you stopped, settled down;
Were you typing, or playing the piano?

When will my eyes settle down?
When will my mind seem to finally slow down

What's on your mind, love
Whatchya thinkin' of
Why do you pace
Why's your heart racin'
What's on your mind, love
and what's your name
Why do you pace
And why's my heart racin'

I saw your light, but you were gone
Saw the faucet and a glass of water
You stepped out into the rain
Were you going for work or for pleasure?

When will my eyes settle down?
When will my mind seem to finally slow down

What's on your mind, love
Whatchya thinkin' of
Why do you pace
Why's your heart racin'
What's on your mind love
and what's your name
Why do you pace
And why's my heart racin'

Stranger, across the street
Wonder if we could ever meet
Stranger, there is peace
As our thoughts flow face to face

I was productive, maybe still am.
But I got into an argument.
It's sad.
And frustrating.
I don't wanna be the bigger person. kay?

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Stupidity.

A miniscule issue

I'll have a milkshake, swirled
With life and love, hurled
All over the conversation
Ended up at the gas station
Blind myself in the red tail lights
The faster I drive, the farther the fights
Balancing a heart and a mind, it's tricky
Trying to deal with people, sticky
The way two people can fall for
Each other, and then somehow ignore
The pain, the anger of the other
The spirit, the love that now smothers
We're choking, we're struggling, gasping
The blanket turned pillow, and we're grasping
For each other, for some oxygen
The finish-him bell sounds, but then
We're holding tighter, running farther
Coexisting without growing stronger
And then it's all of a sudden,
For me, though not for you, and then
You're on the other side of the door
But, I'm inside sorting through the gore
Throw things around, like my heart
Turn around, grab my keys, try to start
Up the car, up my life, up my...
soul.

Disassociation

I was driving around looking for parking earlier. There were two cop cars at this one house I drove by. There was also this kid. He had some hair, and it was curly and big. This kid was being hand-cuffed against the cop car. His face was calm.

1+2+2=5. It is 1:22 as I write. That little equation is what always goes through my head when I check the time.

My fingers are almost numb. It is possibly in the 50's in my apartment. Hurrah for saving gas.

I broke my thumb nail because of the cold and because of my laptop. The real blame goes to my backpack for being difficult, though. It is a pretty bad break. And also it hurt.

I'm hungry. Very hungry. It's possible that I haven't had food in years. I am that hungry.

That is life past midnight.

Breakthrough

This is completely insane.
And I love it :)

As often happens when I'm forced to spend my evening alone, I began to feel sorry for myself. I watched a romantic comedy, with many pauses to do things like sing sad songs (recorded two, wrote one)... I sat on the couch and stared out the window, watching people walk by, wondering what they were thinking about. I found these four windows, directly across from me, right above the little Germanesque bookstore. And there was this person, all in black, pacing. It was mesmerizing. I wanted to know what was wrong, or what was going on in their head. I fell in love, said a prayer for them, and started singing. I learned how to spin without moving: stared at the fan and turned myself with one foot. Then I finished the movie... (My Best Friend's Wedding)

All that time, that feeling was just growing. Slowly, sneakily. After the movie, I walked around thinking about how restless my heart is, and wishing it could just shut up and be happy. Wishing that I would not miss being in love so much. Wishing that God's love would be enough for my romantic heart. Wishing that I would get up and get dressed for Him, not for some guy I may never meet. (That was not meant depressing, just honest)

The loneliness, the silence, the emptiness of this apartment. I checked facebook, to get it out of the way to do my schoolwork. Checked networked blogs because I had a new follower. And this is where it gets crazy.

I have 44 followers, and even though I doubt many read this religiously or comment or whatever. The point is that 44 people thought it important enough to accept another stupid facebook application just to follow me. I was looking through the faces, and that's when it just hit me. Out of nowhere, I realized I am not alone anymore. It dawned on me that people really care; that I am in the most beautiful community. I have people to go home to; I have friends on campus; I have an amazing church and community in it; I have amazing roomates. People care about me.

That may sound stupid or obvious. It's just never really hit me like that.

And the funny thing is... This is funny, because I was just telling Josh Newman how I never do this, and never could understand why people did this... I literally started crying out of happiness.

I cannot believe that.

This sensation of a layer being peeled off of my heart was so acute. This warmth built up in the center of me, and I knew some wall had just fallen. And then I just started crying...

I looked at my great grandpa's crucifix and thought of my story so far, my journey. All of a sudden, I could see Jesus' footsteps throughout it. I knew this warmth was coming from him. I knew that this feeling was realizing that He'd been holding my hand, leading me. And my palms are tingly. I know that this warmth is a fountain, of love, ready to overflow.

Two years ago I never could have pictured this place, this time. I cannot describe to you the loneliness, the depression that used to swamp my life, used to be my life. I don't think that my heart ever became accustomed to not living that lifestyle. Even though the loneliness went away, the depression died down, and joy rose up, my heart still was still refusing to be pierced through. It moved forward, it grew happy, but it kept that layer of protection, of sadness.

I can still feel the freshness of new skin. That layer has been shed, has dropped into a waste-bin. I cried while smiling, whispering "thank-you," feeling closer than I ever have to God, feeling the Holy Spirit and love inside me stronger than ever.

This is a lot more personal than anything I would ever post... But I really want to share. Because you mean a lot to me.

That's all then :)

Fluttery by, butterfly

Anagrams!

Amanda Evans is saved manana
Amanda Michele Evans is a maniac named Shelve
Amanda Michele Freaking Evans is a Macadamia Elf serving Hen Ken

Brilliant ^_^

You love me.