Breakthrough

This is completely insane.
And I love it :)

As often happens when I'm forced to spend my evening alone, I began to feel sorry for myself. I watched a romantic comedy, with many pauses to do things like sing sad songs (recorded two, wrote one)... I sat on the couch and stared out the window, watching people walk by, wondering what they were thinking about. I found these four windows, directly across from me, right above the little Germanesque bookstore. And there was this person, all in black, pacing. It was mesmerizing. I wanted to know what was wrong, or what was going on in their head. I fell in love, said a prayer for them, and started singing. I learned how to spin without moving: stared at the fan and turned myself with one foot. Then I finished the movie... (My Best Friend's Wedding)

All that time, that feeling was just growing. Slowly, sneakily. After the movie, I walked around thinking about how restless my heart is, and wishing it could just shut up and be happy. Wishing that I would not miss being in love so much. Wishing that God's love would be enough for my romantic heart. Wishing that I would get up and get dressed for Him, not for some guy I may never meet. (That was not meant depressing, just honest)

The loneliness, the silence, the emptiness of this apartment. I checked facebook, to get it out of the way to do my schoolwork. Checked networked blogs because I had a new follower. And this is where it gets crazy.

I have 44 followers, and even though I doubt many read this religiously or comment or whatever. The point is that 44 people thought it important enough to accept another stupid facebook application just to follow me. I was looking through the faces, and that's when it just hit me. Out of nowhere, I realized I am not alone anymore. It dawned on me that people really care; that I am in the most beautiful community. I have people to go home to; I have friends on campus; I have an amazing church and community in it; I have amazing roomates. People care about me.

That may sound stupid or obvious. It's just never really hit me like that.

And the funny thing is... This is funny, because I was just telling Josh Newman how I never do this, and never could understand why people did this... I literally started crying out of happiness.

I cannot believe that.

This sensation of a layer being peeled off of my heart was so acute. This warmth built up in the center of me, and I knew some wall had just fallen. And then I just started crying...

I looked at my great grandpa's crucifix and thought of my story so far, my journey. All of a sudden, I could see Jesus' footsteps throughout it. I knew this warmth was coming from him. I knew that this feeling was realizing that He'd been holding my hand, leading me. And my palms are tingly. I know that this warmth is a fountain, of love, ready to overflow.

Two years ago I never could have pictured this place, this time. I cannot describe to you the loneliness, the depression that used to swamp my life, used to be my life. I don't think that my heart ever became accustomed to not living that lifestyle. Even though the loneliness went away, the depression died down, and joy rose up, my heart still was still refusing to be pierced through. It moved forward, it grew happy, but it kept that layer of protection, of sadness.

I can still feel the freshness of new skin. That layer has been shed, has dropped into a waste-bin. I cried while smiling, whispering "thank-you," feeling closer than I ever have to God, feeling the Holy Spirit and love inside me stronger than ever.

This is a lot more personal than anything I would ever post... But I really want to share. Because you mean a lot to me.

That's all then :)