Let's be real

Before I forget!!!: God special man can't even imagine how good so restless

Okayy...

Sorry 'bout that. I was watching Sybil (1976) earlier, and this thought came to me. I really needed to write it down so I could remember it, but I didn't. It flew away too fast. I wanted to blog about it, though! God is good, and it just so happened that the second I opened this once blank document, the thought returned. It's funny, you know that song? "If you love someone, let them go," by the Dizmas?

"If you love someone let them go and if they come back to you their yours
If you love something set it free if it comes back to you it's yours"

This just hit me. My brain works really fast, and I have the worst short-term memory. I go crazy all of the time because I can't remember what I was thinking about 30 seconds before! But if a thought comes back to you, then maybe that thought was meant to be explored, yeah?

I really am sorry. After watching a movie about some form of insanity, it takes a while for my brain's clarity to return. I tend to adopt the crazies.

If this is all really jumbled, I apologize.

That was all just pre-course to the actual blog, which starts now:


Have you ever felt paralyzed? Like, you can't even do the things you love doing? (coincidentally, that's a symptom of depression and ADHD. Curse abnormal psych.)
(Also, note that I do NOT think I have depression. ADHD is another question, haha.)

This is my problem for a long time now! I just feel paralyzed towards my school work and writing in general.

It's bad.

I had to force myself to write this blog! Just so I can maybe get all of this stress out and return to homeostasis. I wonder if homeostate is a word. Blogger says no. Oh well.

The thing is, I think so intensely about writing that I'm terrified to do it. By the time I sit down to write, the task seems enormous. I like editing papers, though. I've been doing that a lot recently. But the writing is hard. Especially, if the topic is dull or overly-complicated.

I promise after this I will write all of my papers!

Hold me to, that, 'kay?

This is what I want to do.
(I thought of this yesterday.)

I want to write a blog, that is word for word how I think.

The raw, unedited Amanda
(Run, while you still can)

That is absolutely terrifying, right?

We'll see how it goes.

I have to keep all of these spaces between the sentences, because the thoughts feel separate and disconnected. If they go together, they'll be together.

So... I want to tell you about all of my annoying quirks. I've never listed them before; should be interesting. I don't think a semicolon belonged there. I've never understood semicolons.

1. During almost any and every movie, I have to exit at some point to pee. The plot moves too quickly and makes me extremely tense.
2. A lot of times I "forget to listen." I will say that to you at least once. It is what it is, I forget to listen. (Circles 'round to the ADHD question.)
3. ^^^Because of this, don't be surprised if I have to ask you the same question multiple times. Again. It is what it is.
4. Three is my favorite number. I like everything to be divisible by three. This four was originally a three; and when I changed it, I felt bothered. (Is that semicolon right?)
5. I have no idea how to dress myself. I always looks different, and no one can define my "style."
6. SOMETIMES, I talk a lot. Sometimes, I don't talk at all.
7. I spend a lot of time in my head, and think speedily. Sometimes, the things I say might not make sense. It can take a minute for me to realize that you were not there for half of the conversation. (That sounds like schizophrenia. Abnormal psych has made me the worst hypochondriac ever.)
8. My laugh is completely annoying
9. I move around a lot, because my muscles are antsy.
10. If I am trying to tell you a story, you may have to remind me several times what I'm talking about. Again, my mouth can't move as fast as my mind.
11. I really like hugs and holding hands! But I'm very careful not to pop your personal bubble.
12. Lastly, (because 12 is divisible by three, and four which can also be a good number), I am the hardest person to get in contact with. I always forget to text back, and I strongly dislike (not hate) talking on the phone. Ambiguous voices.

So that's what I can presently remember!

I'm done now. I just needed to get out all the mental words, so I can write the good words. Think 8 or so papers. It's wonderful.

Oh, I'll cover that thought at the beginning in a later blog. This one is already tedious and boring. I just needed to write the thought down, so that I can remember it.

I know this is unedited and sounds crazy, but it was relieving to write.
I'm being selfish and writing for me. But blogs are so narcissistic anyway.
*Zips lips*